From reading the article though I didn't think that was what was being talked about. It could be their best friend or some random person they meet in the bar. The point is that they exist. In our experience, chemistry and connection with others adds to our enjoyment of life and each other. Last, as far as the oxytocin/attachment thing, I'm among the "most of women" who do tend to emotionally bond to a sexual partner. Growth and change is a fact of life. I need this person in my life as they have helped me grow as a person, they have made me a better person. Most women that can be your friend can also be your wife. Just to be sure, I asked a married guy friend. According to her, she doesn't love her husband, but she doesn't want to live home because of the other kids. How is it 'unsafe' for a married woman to have a male friend? As you stated in your last comment "And as a boyfriend to another woman admitted, "There's always hope."" I think what you are talking about is a female fantasy. I hate that they have fallen to the thought that women and men can’t be friends (only because OTHERS have said do);( Lastly, I would rather work for a male than a woman any day. With your partner. And some of these connections also include that extra spark of sexual attraction, which feeds both people. Through my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations: A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. I have to say that I am somewhat disappointed with the tone of the article (and, presumably, the book), which brooks no approval for those boyfriends (or girlfriends) with whom there is also an intimate relationship outside of the marriage. You might try to ward off the effects of oxytocin, but resisting is like trying to fall asleep after ten cups of coffee. Are Dogs or Cats Better for the Mental Health of Seniors? It's nice to see someone suggest building a door in the walls of affection/emotional intimacy that are presumed to entomb a married couple until death or need for air do they part. another metaphor one might wonder, given that many She says nothing has happened between them and that they are indeed just new best friends. You both sleep toghether do everythibg together but oh you have this secret space that only you have. If you get positive responses from your flirting, you are rewarded and thus encouraged, likely to develop this skill into a fine art with repeated success. Oftentimes they have friendships with people of the opposite sex for YEARS before marrying. I'm a bit of an introvert/loner so the time apart is good for me too, just with less screaming I suppose. For one, I am curious how these boyfriends are platonic, as the flirtation, spark, and chemistry seem not to be tolerated nuisances, but almost necessary additions to the relationship. You needn't pity the man who says, "There's always hope." This guy also has a girlfriend who was on the trip with them. We can help each other work through so much without getting too emotional about it. anyway this kind of "pressure valve" thinking has a certain logic to it, I think. Karl, Such a complicated issue. But we've chosen to reserve physical intimacy (and passion) for our relationship, not for others, including those who require a financial transaction. All women do not want to have sex with anyone that they are close to. I enjoyed them on the tennis court, the backpacking trip, the climbing rock, and the beach. You need to wear looser underwear, or go commando. For most of my life, I've been a woman with male best friends. That being said, I've alot of male friends as a lady because I tend to have more in common with guys. This is NOT so. He's plotting. These people are friends. I applaud you for your open mind and willingness to accept their perspective rather than condemning. Dear Falling: Yes, it is possible for members of both sexes to become attracted to someone of the same sex and fall in love. You raise an interesting distinction. By yourself, lord I hope nobody is stupid enough to marry you. Plus on top of all that doesn't it just seem a lot less complicated to sleep with your real boyfriend or girlfriend and you be faithful to him and he is faithful to you and then have opposite sex friends who are not pretending to be friends secretly hoping to sleep with you? believe the institution of monogamy is under more pressure now than ever before, if it could bend more it might be less likely to break. I happened to pick up her phone when he was texting again while she was asleep and my insecurity got the best of me and I read a very long thread between. Also note that "The Secret Lives of Wives" has a chapter on wives who have lovers. She replied the same to him. In fact, they say that opposite-sex friends make better friends because they bring very different perspectives to the relationship. Not all men are rapists and you both excuse rape and denigrate men by implying that it is an inborn trait. My girlfriend has a long history of having guy best friends with nothing ever coming of it. If you did thst did you tell your husband about that conversation. We try to make sure a couple of the trips are at least a week or more long, so they can genuinely enjoy each other's company without their entire time revolving around sex. My husband is fine with it and so are my kids. No matter what you’re talking about, she’ll find … Men, or women, can feel trapped. I don't know, I've never seen that. Indeed. I do want to make an example of myself, as the uninvited observer and witness. I've had enough people with significant others/ spouses not be clear about it and left me feeling jerked around as a single person. With married women, you have to remember that it’s not like dating a woman who is single. Since no one really does surveys about this and even if they do, no one can ever guarantee that everyone is going to be 100% honest. But if they can open up things just a bit at least, then it relieves a bit of the pressure. angst. As you say, this topic is clearly more complex than the short space it was granted, though I applaud the breadth and depth with which you explored the issue in such short space. Let's face it , Not all husband and wives are best friends, That's just facts and that is the reason why other people look for advice. Thanks for your input! Many men (and women) feel a sexual attraction for their close friends, but with a few rules and a little effort (know thyself! Also please see: Reasons Why Married Men Fall in Love with Other Woman. Now that we know the most common signs a married woman likes you, let’s talk about some of the most important aspects of dating such a lady. Also, what's "normal" for each of us is unique. Finally, there are a multitude of social, cultural, psychological, hormonal, and biological reasons for the male/female differences that you have observed. The guy is waiting around until the situation changes. I would never get offended by them doing what they do at his house under my roof, but I've always thought it was very mature of them to at least consider the possibility. Thats a fact the tone of voice different when a women and man get together. In otherwords, no one is "using" or "chasing"-- they are settled into a comfortable, supportive friendship, which by the way is another kind of "real relationship". The recipe has to include elements that balance and enhance the unique characteristics of the people involved. He is very much a family man who would never want to destroy his family , therefore would not do anything to jeopardize that. Thank you for this article, what a fascinating, under-discussed (at least in my circles) topic! The guy has an interest in the rules of golf and my wife also developed the same interest, which is really not something I thought she would EVER be interested in. I don't think the article described boyfriends as exclusively devoted to the married woman/boyfriend relationship. It gives them something to talk about and makes them well-rounded, fulfilled people. They instantly believe the worse and their instinct is to kill. You are an exception, usually this isn't the outcome. For some it won't work, but for others, it will. Would be like hooking up w/brother..oohhhh not right makes me nauseous..he feels the same..just saying. b. but if the situation was different, I would definitely want to be in a relationship with My man had a female best friend. Temperament, curiosity, unafraid to go against what's considered "proper". And you know what, it doesn't matter how independent a woman is--when her boyfriend messes up, she needs someone to talk to. Nope either your all in or not at all. And as a boyfriend to another woman admitted, "There's always hope." My vision is to experience authentic connection that includes mutual admiration, respect, sharing, and giving from both sides. Or maybe you're hoping for a vicarious thrill. I suspect it is possible for some, and am curious what separates those of us who crave that from those that do not... and what dangers there may be in pursuing that desire. To me the term "boyfriends" and "guy friends" are two different things. Yes, if there is a sexual attraction, one must create boundaries that will protect the relationship from progressing further than either party really wants. For example, don't flirt with me and then not mention you've a live-in girlfriend. What is not acceptable is one on one outings with opposite sex friends gay or straight. Michael, it sounds like you know yourself pretty well. Why would he stick around? Can we get to a point in society where we can look beyond sex and see two people socializing for just for the sake of sharing a human, non sexual connection? I wonder if many or even most people can't be married and very close with potential lovers. I've been incubating on your questions and apologize for this belated reply. Maybe the author can remember a picturesque sunset over a still pond in the quiet of a central Ohio evening. He's waiting. Women are way too emotional. sex is just an expression of attraction, you can have a prostitute for 15$ so it's almost meaningless. What I'm saying is if you mix in this whole attraction thing like was in the article you are asking for trouble. I.e. I would even go one further and say the friendship can even work if the woman is attracted to the man, but he isn't attracted back. And in fact, "The Secret Lives of Wives" does have a chapter on that topic. Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. Gender has little to do with this, for I have had a girlfriend and not a male friend, come on to me when my husband went to bed early one night. LOL. My wife has always had issues with sex and intimacy, and so her "male friend" has become her go-to person for talking about intimate issues. Give me a break. Why isn't emotional intimacy that magic ingredient? I have already done this with my husband. Hope you well too and hope life full of passion and satisfaction. Men and women can have platonic relationships. Peer into the future and understand that if a boyfriend turns into a lover, you and he are guaranteed to be accompanied by all your baggage specific to sexually/emotionally intimate relationships. Interesting idea, but some ivory tower journalism here. Not the rule...You have an ideal situation, which isn't the majority. women are not sex objects), why should either one deprive themselves of a relationship they both value (shared interests, mutual respect and admiration, lively conversation, etc.) The author comes from an outside perspective that it is wrong to have the these particular relationships with no mention of a couple working out the issue amongst themselves. Boyfriend is used when a person has a romantic relationship with a boy or a man. Then the woman is saying "I don't know what happened. If a lady, despite the presence of a close man, drew attention to you, this will amuse your pride. My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years and have been together for nearly 18 years. I think that this kind of married women married man friendship is not at all advice able ,So stay away. But to take a position, this one sized-fits all, that mothers should not have friends of opposite sex seems backwards. And I for one enjoy the varied benefits of having both same sex and opposite sex relationships. When you switch from the friend zone to the lover zone, biology steps in. In response to your incisive observation, I did two edits: She said the life went out of her marriage a long time ago but she hasn’t left her husband. In same-sex friendships between heterosexuals, natural boundaries exist preventing sexual intimacy from occurring. However I wonder why you feel like it's your place to push their friendship up a notch. Or, at least the temptation to be physical emerges. And as for you either focus your energy on this relationship or pack your bags and do the single life. Girlfriend is used when a person has a romantic relationship with a girl or a woman. But isn't that what the two people in the marriage are supposed to be doing? Relations with a married woman feed the male ego and give self-confidence. For more information on this check out the work of Julie Colwell, including her book "The Relationship Ride." And the woman is pretty much just using him. If sex is the magic ingredient that places your marital relationship above and beyond all others, once you've become sexually intimate with another man, you've pierced the bubble of your marriage. Also, my 8-yr-old sees that the bonds are different between all of us, but still healthy and supportive, as they should be. In psychology, as you well know, the barriers to crossing over into a sexual relationship are weak more so for the male involved, especially, if she happens to be very attractive and he happens to know her and has facts about her, such as personality traits, knows how she treats others, etc. 1. I also appreciate your skill as a writer.